i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
