i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
