Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
