if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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