i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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