i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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