Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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