I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
