Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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