My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
