You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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