No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
