I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
