chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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