apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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