My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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