His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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