we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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