i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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