walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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