Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
