My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
