I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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