i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
