Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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