dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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