I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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