Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
