this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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