Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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