I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
