Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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