The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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