things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
