it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
