literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
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second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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