I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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