its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
