I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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