I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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