sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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