so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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