Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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