Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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