Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
