Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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