She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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