Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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