apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
