At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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