Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
