I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
