He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
