Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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