His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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