im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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