Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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