This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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