So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
